Two old ladies were strolling along the beach, one using a cane. Upon seeing the thing sticking up out of the sand, she began to move it around with her cane, remarking to the other lady, ”There is no justice in this world.” The other lady asked what she meant.
“Well, when I was 20, I was curious about it. When I was 30, I enjoyed it. When I was 40, I asked for it. When I was 50, I paid for it. When I was 60, I prayed for it. When I was 70, I forgot all about it. Now I’m 80 and the damn things are growing wild and I’m too old to squat!””
“Old Age Insults:
“You are so old, the candles on your birthday cake raised earths temperature by 3 degrees.
You are so old, when you were a kid rainbows were black and white.
You are so old, you fart dust.
You are so old, you sat next to Jesus in school.
You are so old, you walked into an antique shop and they sold you.
You are so old, your birth-certificate expired.
You are so old, if you to acted your age, you’d die.”
“A reporter was interviewing a 104 year-old woman: “And what do you think is
the best thing about being 104?” the reporter asked.
She simply replied, “No peer pressure.””
“The Senate is investigating deceptive sweepstakes practices. These companies
target the elderly and make them think they will receive a bunch of money,
but in reality they never see any of it.
The most popular of these scams is called Social Security.”
knees. Fought prostate cancer, and diabetes. I’m half blind, can’t hear
anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make
me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have
poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can’t remember if
I’m 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends.
But…..Thank God, I still have my Florida driver’s license!”
The patient says, “Lay it on me Doc. What’s the bad news?”
“You have Alzheimer’s disease.”
“Good heavens! What’s the good news?”
“You can go home and forget about it!””
“A 97 year old man goes into his doctor’s office.
“Doc, I want my sex drive lowered.”
“Sir”, replied the doctor, “You’re 97. Don’t you think your ‘sex drive’ is all in your head?”
“You’re damned right it is!” replied the old man. “That’s why I want it
“God, grant me the Senility
To forget the people
I never liked anyway,
The good fortune
To run into the ones I do,
And the eyesight
To tell the difference.”
“An elderly woman from Brooklyn decided to prepare her will and make her
final requests. She told her rabbi she had two final requests. First, she
wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over
“Bloomingdales!” the rabbi exclaimed. “Why Bloomingdales?”
“Then I’ll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week.””
““You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.” George Burns.
“He is alive, but only in the sense that he can’t be legally buried.”
“A man’s only as old as the woman he feels.” Groucho Marx.
“People ask me what I’d most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh
birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit.” George Burns.
“I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap.” Bob Hope
“When I was a boy, the Dead Sea was only sick.” George Burns
“I don’t plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my
ears meet.” Rita Rudner.
“I do wish I could tell you my age but it’s impossible. It keeps changing
all the time.” Greer Garson.
“Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples.” George Burns
“Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your
children will not have declared you legally insane in order to gain control of your estate.” Woody Allen
“I’m very pleased to be here. Let’s face it, at my age I’m very pleased to be anywhere.” George Burns.
“Except for an occasional heart attack I feel as young as I ever did.”
“Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the National Debt.” Herbert Hoover
“I’m at the age now where just putting my cigar in its holder is a thrill.”
“The secret of longevity is to keep breathing.” Sophie Tucker
“At my age I do what Mark Twain did. I get my daily paper, look at the
obituaries page and if I’m not there I carry on as usual.” Patrick Moore.
“I’m very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed,
sold me this watch.” Woody Allen.
“At my age flowers scare me.” George Burns.
“My grandmother was a very tough woman. She burried three husbands and two
of them were just napping.” Rita Rudner”
“People of all ages and cultures respond to humour. The majority of people are able to experience humour, i.e., to be amused, to laugh or smile at something funny, and thus they are considered to have a sense of humour. The hypothetical person lacking a sense of humour would likely find the behaviour induced by humour to be inexplicable, strange, or even irrational. Though ultimately decided by personal taste, the extent to which a person will find something humorous depends upon a host of variables, including geographical location, culture, maturity, level ofeducation, intelligence and context. For example, young children may favour slapstick, such as Punch and Judy puppet shows or cartoons such as Tom and Jerry. Satire may rely more on understanding the target of the humour and thus tends to appeal to more mature audiences.”