Please Enjoy My View on Fatherhood! ;+) For Your Entertainment (FYE)
” Jon: What’s the difference between a high-hit baseball and a maggot’s father? Tom: What? Jon: One’s a pop fly. The other’s a fly pop. – Submitted by Jon W., Stroudsburg, Pa.
Teacher (on phone): You say Michael has a cold and can’t come to school today? To whom am I speaking? Voice: This is my father. – Submitted by Mike I., Midland, Mich.
Johnny’s father: Let me see your report card. Johnny: I don’t have it. Johnny’s father: Why not? Johnny: My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents. – Submitted by Tyler H., Blacklick, Ohio
“Dad, are bugs good to eat?” asked the boy. “Let’s not talk about such things at the dinner table, son,” his father replied. After dinner the father inquired, “Now, son, what did you want to ask me?” “Oh, nothing,” the boy said. “There was a bug in your soup, but now it’s gone.” – Submitted by Mark Y., Glendora, Calif.
A small boy was at the zoo with his father. They were looking at the tigers, and his father was telling him how ferocious they were. “Daddy, if the tigers got out and ate you up…” “Yes, son?” the father asked, ready to console him. “ …Which bus would I take home?” – Submitted by Gholson D. G., Gaithersburg, Md.
Science teacher: When is the boiling point reached? Science student: When my father sees my report card! – Submitted by Michael H., Canton, Ohio
Joe: What does your father do for a living? Jon: He’s a magician. He performs tricks, like sawing people in half. Joe: Do you have any brothers or sisters? Jon: Yep, four half-sisters and a half-brother.
– Submitted by Jonathan W., Stroudsburg, Pa.
Four men are in the hospital waiting room because their wives are having babies. A nurse goes up to the first guy and says, “Congratulations! You’re the father of twins.” “That’s odd,” answers the man. “I work for the Minnesota Twins!” A nurse says to the second guy, “Congratulations! You’re the father of triplets!” “That’s weird,” answers the second man. “I work for the 3M company!” A nurse tells the third man, “Congratulations! You’re the father of quadruplets!” “That’s strange,” he answers. “I work for the Four Seasons hotel!” The last man is groaning and banging his head against the wall. “What’s wrong?” the others ask. “I work for 7 Up!” – Submitted by Daniel C., Urbana, Ill.
A book never written: “Fatherly Advice” by Buck L. Upson. – Submitted by Aaron and Andrew M., Redondo Beach, Calif.
Son: For $20, I’ll be good. Dad: Oh, yeah? When I was your age, I was good for nothing. – Submitted by Robby S., Putnam Valley, N.Y.
Pee Wee: What do you call your dad when he falls through the ice? Westy: Beats me. Pee Wee: A POPsicle! – Submitted by Philip K., Marshalltown, Iowa
Pee Wee: How is the baby bird like its dad? Westy: How? Pee Wee: It’s a chirp off the old block. – Submitted by David D., Guyton, Ga.
Dad: How do you like fourth grade? Son: It isn’t much fun. Dad: That’s too bad. It was the best three years of my life! – Submitted by Luke A., Tucson, Ariz.
Son: Dad, do you know the difference between a pack of cookies and a pack of elephants? Dad: No. Son: Then it’s a good thing Mom does the grocery shopping! – Submitted by Steven F. II, Naperville, Ill.
Jacob: I have a lot of my dad’s genes. Dave: Really? I bet they don’t fit. – Submitted by David B., North Muskegon, Mich.
Dad: You’ll never amount to anything because you procrastinate. Son: Oh yeah? Just you wait! – Submitted by Matt A., Bellevue, Neb.
Dan: I made a bad mistake today and gave my dad some soap flakes instead of corn flakes for breakfast. Jan: Was he mad? Dan: Yup. He was foaming at the mouth! – Submitted by Daniel R., Dickinson, Tex.
Manny: How do you like the drum set you got for your birthday? Theo: I love it! Manny: Why? Theo: Whenever I don’t play it, my dad gives me 10 bucks! – Submitted by Alvin F., Union City, Calif.
Dad: Son, if you keep pulling my hair, you will have to get off my shoulders. Tiger Cub: But, Dad, I’m just trying to get my gum back!
– Submitted by Ken R., Sparta, Mich.
Dear Dad, $chool i$ great. I’m making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying hard. I $imply can’t think of anything I need, $o ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you. Love, Your $on Dear Son, I kNOw astroNOmy, ecoNOmics and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh. Love, Dad – Submitted by Jacob P., Orem, Utah” Who is the Winner? The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle. He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present. “Who is the most obedient?” he asked. “Who never talks back to mother? and “Who does everything mother says?” Five small voices replied in unison. “Okay daddy! You get the toy.”
The Joy Ride Bob was 16 and finally got hold of his driver’s license. In order to celebrate the special day, the whole family went out to the driveway and climbed into the car to enjoy his first official drive. However, dad went to the back seat, where he sat right behind his boy. When Bob saw his dad he said “Dad, you must be fed up of the front seat after teaching me how to drive all these days Right?” “Nope!”, came the quick reply from the dad. “I’m going to sit back here and kick the back of your seat while you drive, just like you’ve been doing to me for the last sixteen years!”
Magic Penny After putting their three-year-old child Brian in bed, his parents heard muffled sobs coming from his room one night. Rushing back in, they found that the child was crying hysterically when he saw them. He told his parents that he had accidentally swallowed a penny and was sure that he would die now. The father, in an attempt to sober him down, took out a penny from his pocket and pretended to pull it out from Brian’s ear. The child was really thrilled and stopped crying at once. In a flash, he snatched the penny from his dad’s hand, swallowed it, and then cheerfully demanded, “Do it again, Dad!”
Long-haired David After getting his driving license, David visited home during vacation and asked his dad for the family car. His dad agreed, but put forwarded three conditions – good grades in school, a neat room and a decent haircut. After several months, David came home again. He had followed the three things that he had promised his dad, except getting his hair cut. When the father saw that his son had disobeyed him, he asked for an explanation. David smartly said, “Hey dad, even Jesus had long hair.” His Father was not someone to be taken for a ride and smilingly replied, “Yes, son, you’re absolutely right. And Jesus also walked everywhere he went.”
Who’s the Boss? While having their evening dinner together, a little girl looked up at her father and asked, “Daddy, you’re the boss in our family, right?” The father was very pleased to hear it and confidently replied, “Yes my little princess.” The girl then continued, “That’s because mommy put you in charge, right?”
The Little Beach Bum A father was enjoying with his five-year-old son in the beach. Suddenly, the boy pointed to a dead bird and asked his father “Dad, what happened to this chap?” The dad coolly replied “Oh this? He just died and went to Heaven,” The little boy thought for a moment and then said, “Oh My, Did God throw him back down?”
Glass of Water A small boy came up to his dad and meekly said “Daddy, Daddy, can I have another glass of water please?” The dad replied “But I’ve given you 10 glasses of water already son!” The little boy then said, “Oh yes daddy, but the bedroom is still on fire!”
Final Touch What do you call two people who do not hesitate to embarrass you in front of your friends? Mum and Dad!!